Planning my trip to space

An honest-to-God, real conversation between me (41) and my son (5) tonight. You could reverse our roles and it might make even more sense. In their infinite wisdom, Cam (3), Clara (<1) and my wife (none of your damn business) mostly stayed out of it.

Colton: If we all played Candyland, you’d have to go last

Me: Why? Because I’m so old?

Colton: Yup

Me: Well, I may be old now, but you’ll be older than me one day

Colton: No

Me: Sure. I’m 41. In 40 years you’ll be 45. Older than me.

Colton: But you’ll have birthdays too. So you’ll be really old

Me: What? Really?

Colton: Yes

Me: I’ll just skip my birthdays

Colton: You can’t do that.

Me: Sure I can. I’ll just sleep through the whole day, so no birthday

Colton: We’ll come wake you up

Me: I’ll stay in a hotel so you can’t find me. I’ll sleep all day, and wake up the next day the same age. Boom. No birthday.

Colton: It’s still your birthday even if you’re asleep. You can’t skip it.

Me: Hmm…OK…I got it. An airplane. You know how it’s earlier west of us?

Colton: No, it’s later

Me: No, that’s east. If I fly west really fast, I can make it always be today.

Colton: That wouldn’t work

Me: Sure it would. As long as I fly as fast as the earth, my birthday will never come

Cam: No. You’d have to leave the earth and go into space

Me: Really?

Colton: Yeah

Me: Great idea. I’ll just go into space for 40 years. When I come back you’ll be older than me. Cam too. Clara will still be younger, but that’s cool.

Colton: That wouldn’t work.

Me: Why not?

Colton: You don’t know how to fly a spaceship

Me: I’m pretty sure I could figure it out

Colton: No

Me: How hard could it be

Colton: No

Me: They sent a monkey into space like 60 years ago. If a monkey can fly a spaceship I’m pretty sure I could do it

Colton: Ok, then I’ll go to space too. Then I’ll live forever.

Me: It’s pretty expensive. I don’t think you can afford it

Colton: I have $12.25

Me: That’s probably not going to be enough. But I think I have enough for me.

Colton: No. It won’t work!

Me: Why not?

Colton: You’ll get hungry

Me: I’ll bring food

Colton: Really?

Me: I’ll bring Sunchips

Colton: But you need to eat a variety of foods

Me: Right, I’ll have all four colors of Sunchips. So sometimes I’ll eat green, other times orange. Red, blue. Variety.

Colton: No

Me: Actually, I don’t really like blue, so I’ll probably just throw those out the window

Colton: You can’t just eat Sunchips

Me: Ok, I’ll plant a little garden on the spaceship

Colton: No, you can’t do that

Me: Sure I can

Colton: No. You’d need dirt

Me: I’ll bring it with me

Colton: No, because you’d need to buy it

Me: I’ll just use your $12.25

Colton: NO!!!!!

Me: Plus, I can grab dirt from the yard. Maybe the sand you bring home in your shoes all the time

Colton: You can’t plant a garden in sand

Me: I think it’ll work. Maybe I’ll bring a cow too. Get some protein.

Colton: But what would the cow eat?

Me: I’ll have grass in my garden. Haven’t you been paying attention?

Colton: But it still won’t work because you need water.

Me: I’ll bring it with me.

Colton: No. Because it float around

Me: Actually I’ll bring a hose. That way I can get water whenever I need it

Colton: But the hose has to connect to something

Me: Right, it connects to the water

Colton: But it’ll spray up and all over

Me: I’ll just get one of those nozzles. I can turn it on when I need a drink. Maybe water the garden a bit.

Colton: No

Me: Plus, there’s ice on mars. So I can go there, grab some ice, and melt it. And also have ice if I want a cold drink.

Colton: Neptune has lots of ice

Me: I don’t think so

Colton: Yeah. It’s all ice

Me: Pretty sure there’s no ice on Neptune. Pluto is mostly ice, but I don’t want to go there. Too far away. Especially with that heavy cow it would take a lot of rocket fuel and probably 20 years to get there and then I’d just have to turn right around and come back

Colton: < shaking his head and looking confused >

Me: I’ll get my ice from mars

Colton: There’s another reason it won’t work.

Me: Why?

Colton: You’ll need pictures

Me: I’ll have my phone

Colton: You can’t take a phone into space because it’ll float around

Me: I’ll hold onto it really tight

Colton: But you can’t do that while you sleep

Me: I’ll just use my running strap. Keep it strapped to my arm. Boom. No floating

Colton: You cant sleep with your phone strapped to your arm

Me: Sure I can

Colton: You’ll need to bring lots of rubber bands and bags

Me: < shaking my head and looking confused >

Colton: You need to tie yourself down

Me: I’m sure the ship will have straps or something

Colton: Ok, I’ll go too

Husband, father, runner, entrepreneur, and occasional triathlete, who also likes to write when I find the time