An honest-to-God, real conversation between me (41) and my son (5) tonight. You could reverse our roles and it might make even more sense. In their infinite wisdom, Cam (3), Clara (<1) and my wife (none of your damn business) mostly stayed out of it.
Colton: If we all played Candyland, you’d have to go last
Me: Why? Because I’m so old?
Me: Well, I may be old now, but you’ll be older than me one day
Me: Sure. I’m 41. In 40 years you’ll be 45. Older than me.
Colton: But you’ll have birthdays too. So you’ll be really old
Me: What? Really?
Me: I’ll just skip my birthdays
Colton: You can’t do that.
Me: Sure I can. I’ll just sleep through the whole day, so no birthday
Colton: We’ll come wake you up
Me: I’ll stay in a hotel so you can’t find me. I’ll sleep all day, and wake up the next day the same age. Boom. No birthday.
Colton: It’s still your birthday even if you’re asleep. You can’t skip it.
Me: Hmm…OK…I got it. An airplane. You know how it’s earlier west of us?
Colton: No, it’s later
Me: No, that’s east. If I fly west really fast, I can make it always be today.
Colton: That wouldn’t work
Me: Sure it would. As long as I fly as fast as the earth, my birthday will never come
Cam: No. You’d have to leave the earth and go into space
Me: Great idea. I’ll just go into space for 40 years. When I come back you’ll be older than me. Cam too. Clara will still be younger, but that’s cool.
Colton: That wouldn’t work.
Me: Why not?
Colton: You don’t know how to fly a spaceship
Me: I’m pretty sure I could figure it out
Me: How hard could it be
Me: They sent a monkey into space like 60 years ago. If a monkey can fly a spaceship I’m pretty sure I could do it
Colton: Ok, then I’ll go to space too. Then I’ll live forever.
Me: It’s pretty expensive. I don’t think you can afford it
Colton: I have $12.25
Me: That’s probably not going to be enough. But I think I have enough for me.
Colton: No. It won’t work!
Me: Why not?
Colton: You’ll get hungry
Me: I’ll bring food
Me: I’ll bring Sunchips
Colton: But you need to eat a variety of foods
Me: Right, I’ll have all four colors of Sunchips. So sometimes I’ll eat green, other times orange. Red, blue. Variety.
Me: Actually, I don’t really like blue, so I’ll probably just throw those out the window
Colton: You can’t just eat Sunchips
Me: Ok, I’ll plant a little garden on the spaceship
Colton: No, you can’t do that
Me: Sure I can
Colton: No. You’d need dirt
Me: I’ll bring it with me
Colton: No, because you’d need to buy it
Me: I’ll just use your $12.25
Me: Plus, I can grab dirt from the yard. Maybe the sand you bring home in your shoes all the time
Colton: You can’t plant a garden in sand
Me: I think it’ll work. Maybe I’ll bring a cow too. Get some protein.
Colton: But what would the cow eat?
Me: I’ll have grass in my garden. Haven’t you been paying attention?
Colton: But it still won’t work because you need water.
Me: I’ll bring it with me.
Colton: No. Because it float around
Me: Actually I’ll bring a hose. That way I can get water whenever I need it
Colton: But the hose has to connect to something
Me: Right, it connects to the water
Colton: But it’ll spray up and all over
Me: I’ll just get one of those nozzles. I can turn it on when I need a drink. Maybe water the garden a bit.
Me: Plus, there’s ice on mars. So I can go there, grab some ice, and melt it. And also have ice if I want a cold drink.
Colton: Neptune has lots of ice
Me: I don’t think so
Colton: Yeah. It’s all ice
Me: Pretty sure there’s no ice on Neptune. Pluto is mostly ice, but I don’t want to go there. Too far away. Especially with that heavy cow it would take a lot of rocket fuel and probably 20 years to get there and then I’d just have to turn right around and come back
Colton: < shaking his head and looking confused >
Me: I’ll get my ice from mars
Colton: There’s another reason it won’t work.
Colton: You’ll need pictures
Me: I’ll have my phone
Colton: You can’t take a phone into space because it’ll float around
Me: I’ll hold onto it really tight
Colton: But you can’t do that while you sleep
Me: I’ll just use my running strap. Keep it strapped to my arm. Boom. No floating
Colton: You cant sleep with your phone strapped to your arm
Me: Sure I can
Colton: You’ll need to bring lots of rubber bands and bags
Me: < shaking my head and looking confused >
Colton: You need to tie yourself down
Me: I’m sure the ship will have straps or something
Colton: Ok, I’ll go too